If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
You Might Also Like
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
こいつ天才
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
#gardening
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”