If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.