If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
🔦🌙👣
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I’m already scared
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*