If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
nobody’s gonna understand
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
This week’s mood.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.