If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
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I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?