If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
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If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated