GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
me before I type out affect or effect
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Kids, do not try this at home!
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh