@shkeeber: If dolphins are so smart, how come they're never on Jeopardy?
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@envydatropic: Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We're going to need somewhere to go after this next election
@slaughthie: I got called "vein" and I'm just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
@AcerbicSuburban: Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
@slackmistress: Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.