@shkeeber: If dolphins are so smart, how come they're never on Jeopardy?
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@MrAdamBez: *gets sentenced to 25 years in prison* *opens twitter app* *looks up* *being released*
@MichaelJTiberi: Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.
@DaddyJew: Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
@13spencer: Toys 'R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.