If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.