If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
How I like cutting carbs
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about