If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
You Might Also Like
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question