I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.