I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Good morning, Twitter x
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I love art.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one