If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
This makes total sense…
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.