“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?