[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Google Pay be like:
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss: