@adamlucidi: If Earth was a rented apartment, ain't NOOOO WAAAAAY we're getting our security deposit back.
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@DadInUtah: Wife: We're supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That's what she said. Wife: Can't you do any better than that? Me: That's what she said
@theshamingofjay: [interview for doctor's office receptionist] "Can you schedule appointments and be friendly" Yes. "Sorry we're looking for the opposite"
@junejuly12: Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
@carlyken: [February 12] Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She's going to kill me! Unless... [February 13] beheads wife