@trevso_electric: If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it's not.
@Sickayduh: "Well, congrats. You're a homeowner now. Any questions?" "Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn't the Decepticons just bid on em?"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word "bae" so teens stop thinking it's cool and it goes away forever.
@tamytoo2: Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan