If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.