If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
You Might Also Like
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.