If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
my professor scared me for a second
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.