if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
🤣😂🤣
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief