A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles