If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
emergency phone
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business