If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one