If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem