If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that