If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…