@ObviousOstrich: If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.
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@Fred_Delicious: "Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?" "you mean cheese?" [waiter struggling to keep bowl covered] "that does make more sense actually"
@jonnysun: JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine] ME: woa!! thanks jesus JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
@joejwest: ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party? FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
@Jmboyd58: *driving my date to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.