genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
car not found
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My neck my back my allergy attack
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.