If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.