If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
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Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Every. Damn. Time.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow