The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary