M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money