When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus