If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.