@VerifiedDrunk: If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
@rotten_mamma: 3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it's not that cold out!? Me:So other Moms don't judge me and talk shit, Buddy.
@DanRegans: People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food