@VerifiedDrunk: If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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@ComedicBust: People are always coming up to me and asking me, "How'd you do it? What's your secret? How'd you gain so much weight so fast?"
@XplodingUnicorn: Dear Britain, This Brexit vote is all wrong If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war. Sincerely, America
@Smooheed: *signs into Skype meeting with very important clients* *tries to sound incredibly intelligent* *gets attacked by moth* *falls off chair*