@VerifiedDrunk: If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
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@aka_fatman: Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn't agree with me. [Inside my stomach] Chicken Quesadilla: "The Notebook" was an overrated film.
@murrman5: "fine! leave me because I talk like I'm in a novel but you aren't taking the kids, he exclaimed"