If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.