If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Weirdly Wednesday.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
There’s only one good girl here!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions