If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
guilty
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
we’re dead?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will