@kimmie_1980: If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
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@matt___nelson: Narrator: "Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution" [cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
@Pro_Jones_: Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* "sketchy". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: I don't like my princess shoes with the heels. Me: Do they hurt your feet? 5-year-old: I can't run from zombies.
@chopper4jk: Text: How come you stopped drinking? Me: Because I kept waking up with you. Her: I hate you.