If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult