nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I feel seen.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”