“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
the best thing i’ve ever made