Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”