A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
🤣🤣🤣
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
incredible text to wake up to
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait