@jdforshort: If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?
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@Kali_Mura: Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
@WheelTod: We'd been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
@Mr_Kapowski: *aliens land on Thanksgiving* *me showing them around* "We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish" Aliens: Savages
@CandyCrisis: Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.