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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
What’s so funny?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.