You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick