If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
You Might Also Like
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
🤣😂🤣
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.