If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Still my favourite meme.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?