if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My dad is at it again
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.