@serialmatrix: If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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@lanyardtwerk: Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.
@TheCatWhisprer: Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
@CharmandBrains: *Throws all 900 baby items in garbage* *Buys Magic 8 Ball* *Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
@13spencer: Toys 'R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.