2 years later
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
PARKOUR
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room