Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you