If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
What is going on? 😅
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.