@serialmatrix: If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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@Muath_tu: Apparently you can't get a sick leave just because you're sick of seeing everyone at the office.
@SondraDeeMe: ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands BF: That’s salsa [last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
@heatherlou_: I'm not flirting with you. I'm just nice. Get over yourself. Except you. You get under me.
@UnFitz: [firing squad] Captain: Any last words? Prisoner: Why, yes. I'd like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.