If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
❤️🦆
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Growing up was a huge mistake
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀